Maximum Bob

That’s alcohol-free, not free beer, thrill seekers.

Tesco have had a flurry of new-to-these-shores alcohol-free brews on the shelves lately, but I didn’t notice because I’ve been shopping elsewhere, so there’s good news and bad news on the lo-no alcohol front. Bad news first.

The first bad news is that my local Waitrose (Milton Keynes, though a small one will open in Buckingham soon) are very poor at this kind of thing. They do Becks, which is foul as we know, and they do Kaliber, which has been giving people headaches for 25 years, and they do Clausthaler, which is insipid. They also do one called Bavaria non-alcoholic beer, which has a decent caramelly taste, but (when I drank some recently) left me feeling actually dizzy, as if it had contained alcohol, and quite headachy. Not recommended. At all.

Moving on, the second bad news is on the Tesco front. They appear to have stocked a load of new stuff, including alcohol-free Stella, plus the Beck’s, the Cobra, the usual suspects, and Carling C2, which is 2% alcohol. I would try the C2, but can’t bring myself to because I loathe and despise their advertising (all that football and crap), so wouldn’t want to endorse their approach to market.

But the Stella is good. It’s clean, refreshing, thirst-quenching, and chuggable, which is everything I want in a non-alcoholic beer. No, you don’t get the famed “bite” of a real lager, but the news about the “bite”, folks, is that it’s from the alcohol. So fucking get over it, you will never get the “bite” with an NA beer. On the other hand, I’ve personally never enjoyed the bite, so sue me. I prefer it to be smooth and refreshing, with no headache, which is the perennial bug-bear of the NA beer. Unfortunately, after all that, Tesco have a DISCONTINUED sticker under the shelf with it on. Already. So they were clearly just trialing it. This is a shame, because it’s a toss-up between Stella and Cobra as to which (of the UK-available brews) I prefer.

But here’s the good news. Erdinger alcohol-free wheat beer. You know wheat beers? The ones with the little sediment of yeast in that makes the drink slightly cloudy, but very tasty? I enjoy them, but can’t drink them because of the guaranteed headache. So it was with some trepidation that I tried the non-alcoholic variety. Surely it would be a Kaliber-style experience: you stay sober but still get a rotten hangover?

Erdinger market their beer, amusingly, as an isotonic, low-calorie, vitamin enriched sports drink. Fewer calories than apple juice, they say. Exactly the right balance for quickly replacing fluids after exercise. Because of the yeast, loads of B-vitamins.

In use, it behaves almost exactly like the alcoholic version: creamy head, swirly yeast, slightly cloudy, familiar aroma. Taste? Clean, no bite, but smooth and refreshing with a hint of the wheat beer taste. I went for a bike ride and then drank a bottle straight afterwards. I’m not a great believer in the isotonic voodoo, so whatever. But no headache. That’s crucial. That means you can get home from work on a hot day, pull one from the fridge and chug it down without regretting it an hour later.

Needs to be stored upright for the full yeast experience, and there’s a knack to pouring it, but it’s really excellent. A more expensive option than the Cobra, but worth it for a treat.